Like most other girls, I have always had this checklist of things I want my guy to be like. Chivalrous, handsome, well read, cultured, shy, calm, patient, emotional, dedicated, and like-minded of course! Whenever asked about my type of guy, I would start spilling out these adjectives from my checklist, only to later be made fun of, for asking way too much.
Adolescence and some reality checks got me to believe that such dream guys don’t really exist. Or maybe constitute 0.0000087% of the total male population. So I gave up and decided to settle for anything near about him, which meant a lot of bad decisions and a couple of unforgettable heart breaks.
The last heartbreak got me shattered. I started feeling worthless and was tired of being replaced every single time. It was a dreadful period. Looking back at it still gives me goosebumps. During that time, there was nothing I could think of, but him. I would curse myself for not being good enough for him.
Anyway, this is not about him so let’s just not go there and make this blog unnecessarily long. So, next I joined a dating site. And it was surely not to get myself a rebound guy or for getting over him. Nah! I wanted to feel wanted. I don’t know what boost the rising number of matches gave me, but I felt good. It’s all virtual and ish, I know, but I need to be honest here. As I saw the number of messages and likes increasing, I would tell myself, “You see them? There are so many guys sending you trains of messages for a single talk. What if he doesn’t see your worth? There are many others who do.” Immature moral boost efforts! But I always had this in mind, that this was just a virtual thing to be temporarily engaged in, so that I could spend some time not thinking about him.
So here I met a ton of “YOU LOOK NICE DEAR. CAN WE BE FRIENDS? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.”, a thousand copy-pasted cliché quotes, a hundred “WANNA HAVE SOME FUN BABY?😉😉😉”, and a few honest conversations. Then there was this one simplistic guy with glasses, all suited up in his profile picture sending me a plain ‘Hi’, while other guys put their pictures flaunting their abs, biceps and ish sending me cliche quotes. I engaged myself in a minimal conversation with him to find that he is six years elder than me, belongs to a far-off state and doing engineering in my dream college, 175kms away from my town. This surely wasn’t one of my most interesting conversations on the site, but something drew me towards knowing him more.
In a few days, I decided to quit the app. But that meant we would no longer be in contact unless I added him on Facebook. So the needful did I. As we talked that night on Facebook, I sensed some lack of belief in him, about the possibility of my account being fake. Well, it was quite obvious for I had silhouettes on my profile and cover pictures, had this very weird name CHAN CLEAH, claimed to be an Indian while my account said I am from China. I gave him my number as a token of assurance and we started talking on some other messaging app.
[Disclaimer: It is very unlikely of me to behave such desperately with anyone, but I don’t know what tempted me that bad.]
We started talking regularly, and soon became friends or “JUST FRIENDS” as they say in Bollywood. One day it comes up from our conversation that he has never had a girlfriend. I ask him why, to which he says, “I don’t want relationships, I am good with having friends. Moreover my family is not supportive of me having a girlfriend.” By this time I had developed a slight attraction towards him, and I asked him, “But you can’t control emotions. What if someone falls for you?” He bluntly replied, “I would have to stop talking to her, until she gets over me. That’s all I can do.” Oops! I knew now that I need to cut off the attraction before he cuts me off.
I swallowed my feelings, and our friendship started going all great. We talked every night, Skyped often and there was such great friendship. I felt that we connected really well, and thought very alike. We basically were the same people in different bodies. Well wait, our bodies were alike too! I know this sounds awkward, but even our birthmarks matched. Honestly, the number and precision of #similarities still continue to freak me out.
However, every now and then he used to vanish for a week or so- a week of no contact at all. No matter how genuine his reason of being busy was, each time I assumed that he has come to know about my feelings and has cut me off. But these instances never affected our friendship. He was everything I ever wanted. My dream guy! But why would a guy so perfect want to be with a hot mess like me? I believed, I was just one of the thousand friends he had, and not very important. But to me, he was my best friend. I used to tell him very often, “You’re a very good friend of mine” to indirectly convince him, that I don’t have feelings for him and he doesn’t need to cut me off for weeks; and also in a way, to depict how important he was. But he wouldn’t even acknowledge it.”Why you gotta be so rude?”
[Sidenote: Although we lived in the same state, we had never met each other in person. ]
Next came my birthday! I wasn’t in contact with him for a week until then, due to my grandfather’s death. He called me up at 12. It was unexpected, for I thought I exist only in his messaging app. Why would he care to remember my birthday, when most of my other friends didn’t? This one thing touched me, and I realized I wasn’t AS UNIMPORTANT to him as I was stressing my self to be.
A month later, he tells me out of nowhere, “We shall stop discussing anything and everything.” I was taken aback and demanded an explanation. Said he, “This way I have started developing feelings for you. I kind of like you.” So, all this time we both liked each other, and excelled the art of assuming that the other one doesn’t and thus hid our feelings fearing rejection. Each time I told him how good a friend he was, he kept feeling that I was reminding him that he is only a good friend, so that he takes control over the liking he had developed for me.
I too, confessed that night about my feelings, but also told him that it would just be a blunder to our friendship if we jumped into a relationship, then that there were only a few days of his college left, which meant he would leave my state. He asked for a long distance relationship, but LDRs are very difficult, and I was so not going to risk this friendship for another heartbreak. So we dropped the idea. A few months passed by as our friendship strengthened, until the last 2 weeks of his college life arrived. We had decided to meet up atleast once before he left.
23rd April, the first time we met. I would not even try explaining how the day went, because words will never be enough. To sum up, it was MAGICAL. It was perfect, except the fact that we had no time left. We felt helpless. We decided to meet again before he left. I wanted to give him something which would remind him of our friendship after he leaves, and what could be better than a scrapbook filled with the screenshots of our videocalls. (Yeah, I screenshot videocalls. Call me ‘Creepy’.)
The second meeting was even better, and once again words are not going to be enough. We knew we were in love, and there was no way out. He finally left college, as well as my place leaving back the memories. Only if we had a little more time.
The chances of him being placed near my town were very low. We were both sure that he wasn’t getting placed here. Owing to my paranoia of being hurt again, we decided to not risk our friendship for the uncertainty of an LDR. We had no hopes of a relationship to work out, and had decided to stop talking once his placement location is assured to be somewhere distant. All we could do till then was wait and pray. Two months later, came his appointment letter. Kolkata it was. Miraculously, he got placed in my town.
And since then things have been perfect. I am now in a relationship with my dream guy and I have never been happier.
So here’s a Shoutout to him,
Hello, PJ. I hate sounding corny, but I cannot go about without mentioning that you’re definitely the best thing that has happened to me in 18 years. I am not exaggerating a bit. I can never be thankful enough for all what you’ve done, and all what you’ve been. Such perfection, is something I have never seen in anybody. I so look up to you, in every aspect and especially for the amazing person you’re at heart. I really envy you.
Lucky I’m in love with my best friend!